Covid-19 Day Seven

In the last week I have self isolated except yesterday to go out to Lowes to get a furnace filter for my misbehaving furnace and to try to get boots for the boy as he left his shoes at school before it closed. We failed at getting boots because it's spring and so no hikes for me and the boy yesterday or this weekend. Today I ran out to get coffee beans. I felt guilty both times for being out.

I've felt a huge range of emotions this past week about this pandemic. I've been hopeful and anxious. Today it is frustration and anger. I just started an SSRI recommended by my cardiologist for my chronic illness (dysautonomina/POTS). Yes, my heart has been behaving itself, I have way more energy, and my dizziness is almost all gone, BUT as a side effect emotionally I feel SO. MUCH. BETTER. I feel better than I have in months. No, not months, years. I didn't realize how much my negative emotions were controlling me. It's so cliché to say, but after two months on Prozac I feel like myself again. I feel like the old me or maybe not even the old me, I just feel like myself. I've been getting so much stuff done. Stuff I've put off for years, and years is not hyperbole. I've been able to be out and enjoy myself socially. I feel like after spending years hiding in my house I'm ready to go out, to invite people over, to start living my life again.

Then Covid-19 struck. I know it's unreasonable, but I'm pissed. I've spent years in my house, years where being housebound wouldn't bother me one bit, and one month back into my "recovery" I'm forced back where I was for an uncertain amount of time. It feels cruel. I feel like a horrible person for even complaining about it at all, because of course staying home saves lives. And I'm anxious again, because of the uncertainty. I hate uncertainty more than anything, I hate living my life that way, I hate feeling completely out of control of my own damn life. 

I know that I can try to find positives in this. I know that how I frame it will affect my attitude and my family's attitudes as well. I'll try to be positive soon, but in the past seven years, thanks to the help of a therapist, I learned how important it is to feel my feelings and not shut them out, that doesn't actually help me, it just suppresses me. So for now, I'm allowing myself to be angry. I'm allowing myself to say "fuck" in my head a bunch of times about a bunch of things, i.e. "Just when I finally fucking feel fucking better I'm fucking stuck in my fucking house." Typing that makes me feel better, just acknowledging that I'm allowed to feel my feelings and that they are legitimate helps me feel better. 

And so I'll go back to cleaning out my daughter's room and get to using the paint that I got at Lowes when I was getting my emergency furnace filter (something that did make the furnace work better again btw). I'll look forward to Monday when the hopefully the boy's boots that we ordered online will get here and we can go hiking together. I'll be hopeful soon, but today I'm allowing myself to be angry when I need to be.  

Continued . . .

It's been a while. So long in fact I don't recognize the person who wrote this blog. I want to take it all down. I want to erase that person. So much pain in her words, so much uncertainty. It makes me sad for that woman. She was a freaking mess. I don't like to admit that was me. I feel like I've grown so much since then. Some people would say that I've changed in the wrong ways, but honestly when I look at what a mess I was I don't know how they can say that.

I want to write again. Maybe I will - maybe I won't. But I'm opening my blog again. I'm still a mess and I'd like to write about that, but I like who I am now, mess and all. That's not to say I don't want to improve, but I'm glad for my journey and I'd like to continue documenting it.

I don't really care if anyone else comes along, (do people even read blogs anymore?) but I miss writing, so that's what I'm going to try to do for myself.

Christians and Privilege - Part Two

If you haven't already please read part one here. 

It has taken me years of study to come to my conclusions about Christians and privilege.  It has taken me years of trials to understand God in a different light, different from what I was taught from the time I was a tiny girl.  I am compelled to study the age old question of "why do bad things happen to good people, why do believers suffer so?" All of this has led me to search the scriptures.  I started to study topics such as predestination and free will.  When I started studying these things and also looking at how the world works, how God works in ALL believers lives I started to realize that there is a huge discrepancy between how we view God here in the United States and how He actually works.   

I'll quote a book that when I read it finally seemed to me a Biblical interpretation of God, free will, and predestination. See, I do not believe that God predestines each of our steps - I don't think that is Biblical. I think he has given us free will and if He predestines every step it negates free will:

From "Bright Evening Star" by Madeline L'Engle 

"If we do not live in a predestined world does that take away from God's omnipotent power? No, no, it makes it all the more extraordinary! When God gave us free will, the Maker did indeed throw away power. When Christ came to us as Jesus, that was an even more radical throwing away of power. But that's what a loving God does! God throws away power over and over again while we greedily grab for it. A lover wants to be loved by the beloved. not to wield power, but to love hoping that the love will be returned in the same way. When we are caught up in power we are not free, but in bondage to the power we have grasped. God is completely free because power has been laughingly thrown away in order that love may reign. The throwing away of power requires enormous power. "

I don't think that God knows everything that is going to happen, and even if He does He most often does not interfere.  I don't think He "allows" bad things to happen to people to test them or to discipline them.  I don't think someone gets cancer because God knew that they could "handle it", or that it was His way of having someone draw closer to Him.  I believe that we live in a fallen world, a fallen world means that God allows the world to continue in it's natural order: natural disasters happen, people die, people get sick, women are infertile, men rape, bad things happen.  God does not purposely allow these things, He does however allow the world to run it's natural course.  But He is there after, to hold your heart, to comfort you, to bring peace, to possibly perform a miracle.  My way of thinking make God even more powerful, if God doesn't predestine our steps - yet can accomplish Romans 8:28 and still work things together for the good of those that love him - well He is truly amazing!

Yet what is this "good" spoken of in Romans 8:28?  The Greek word here is Agathon.  From Babylon:

The good (principle), the highest or supreme good in a moral sense, summum bonum; Plato's name for that aspect of the divine otherwise called the unmanifest or First Logos. Although sometimes equated with atman, which corresponds to the Greek pneuma, paramatman is a better equivalent for to agathon. It is likewise equivalent to the Buddhist alaya (the indissoluble or everlasting).

What does this mean in a practical sense?

When I was a pastor a woman came to us that made my struggles look like a pittance. She had come from a civil war in Africa. She had scars all over her arms where someone in the resistance had taken a machete and killed her baby even though she tried to protect him by wrapping her arms around him. Her family was taken away from her to war camps and she was left alone, homeless, and wounded. She was blessed and was able to find a way to come to the United States. Fifteen years later she was reunited with her husband and her children that made. it. This woman was highly educated, she was a doctor in her country. She came here and had to get a crummy job, yet the love of Jesus shown through her despite all she had been through. Her heart was good.

Yet, what of those believers that died in the war camps? What if she hadn't been reunited with her husband and her surviving children - would God still have been good? Yes, because God works in our hearts, if the only good that God is able to do is comfort us as we die, after we have lost everything - then God is still working for our good - because He loves us.

Good is not things, or health, or the desires of our hearts, good is what God does with our hearts. Yes, He can give us good things, and in America we are so so SO blessed with health and material things and even good circumstances. But if all that is taken away? Most here would question God's goodness - because we have equated God's goodness with those things.

I believe God's goodness is what He does in our hearts. It is our hearts that He changes, not always our every move, our every step. How much more are we able to love Him, how much more important is it to be in daily communication with Him if it is our hearts He truly cares about and can change? To be more like Him, is completely about our hearts, not our circumstances.

Faith, true faith, is when everything is taken away from you and you can still trust that there is a God that loves you, a God that cares, even as you are dying alone and destitute. Even if the world has defeated you and completely broken you, evil can not win if God still has a hold of your heart and nothing can take that away. God's love is still more powerful than evil, because what He can do in a person's heart is that powerful.

This is what I believe, this is how I was able to reconcile my faith with the trials I have experienced.  This is how I was able to believe in God again after He didn't wave His magic wand and make everything all better.  God, in my ultimate moments of brokenness was able to hold my heart. He is so powerful that when I despised life, when I wanted to die, when I tried to end my life, when I held my dead baby, when I was being raped, when my best friend died, when all the horrible things in my life that have happened to me - I still knew that God was there for me. How powerful and loving is He! How amazing that He could still hold my heart! How powerful His love that even though the world truly broke me, I still trust in Him. He does work all things together for my good, because in my heart I still have love and I still have hope. I sometimes fear everything being taken away from me - like Job, yet I still believe that God is powerful enough to hold my heart no matter what. 

I once screamed at my husband in one of my darkest hours, "I don't believe in God anymore!" God was there, working in my heart even then, allowing me to feel my anger, allowing my doubt, allowing me to process my grief and hurt.  Going back to that Madeline L'Engle quote, God is a patient lover, He waits and woos, and comes on strong when we need it and backs off when we need that too.  He will wait and wait and try and try.  He is kind and will not force His way into your heart, but ever so gently will show you His love.  He is there to hold your heart. 

What if a lover has nothing to give, is that lover's love worthless?  If you receive nothing material from your lover, but you lover values you, supports you, is always there for you do you cast off the love because they have nothing material to give?  Some will.  But if a lover knows your heart, there is support there that no material positions or physical benefits could match.   To be loved unconditionally, so much so that you are made whole despite all you have been through and your imperfections is more powerful than all the riches in the world. 

And that is how I am able to have faith in Him now and truly believe that He does work all things together for the good of those that love Him.

Christians and Privilege - Part One

I watched this video that is going viral on Facebook today and was angry.*  I am angry at the logic of it.  I am tired of the Christian attitude that "Jesus will make everything magically better."  For years I have sat in churches and got the indirect but often direct message that if you bring all your cares to Jesus he will make everything better.  We have all heard "when God closes a door he opens a window."  How is that Biblical?  What if another window never opens?  What do we say to those that are suffering with no answer from God?  What does silence mean about God?  These are questions that need to be asked. 

Christians that I have run across often ascribe every good thing that happens in their life to God.  New job?  God.  Good doctor that was able to heal you?  God.  Infertility treatments that worked?  God.  I could go on and on talking about the situations that people attribute to the goodness of God.  People who prayed and prayers were magically answered.  I'm going to counter here and say something radical.  I don't believe in MOST of these situations it was God intervening.  I think it was middle class white American privilege that helped with these situations. 

*I just head an audible gasp from the crowd.*

Why would I say these things?  Do I hate God?  Have I turned my back on Jesus?  No!  In fact I have walked with Him through some of the most difficult trials of my life and have come out the other side still believing in Him.  So how could I say these awful things?

I have started paying attention to the world.   I see believers struggle, here in America, and elsewhere.  These other believers that have strong faith.  People in desperate situations that watch their children suffer, that are stuck in the middle of a war, that are black here in America - grew up in poverty - and can't seem to catch a break to get out.  What do you say to the believer that is watching their child die from starvation?  What do you say to the young woman that has prayed for years to be healed of a chronic illness that leaves her childless, in pain, and modern medicine can do nothing for her?  What do you say to the believer caught in a war that has watched her family die in a bombing and she is alone and a refugee in a strange country?  Do you honestly believe that God has something better for these people?  Do you believe that that God will wave His magic healing wand and make these people's pain all disappear? 

I believe Christians in America are out of touch with pain and suffering.  I believe they are out of touch with who the true God really is.  There is such a narrow focus on what is immediately around them that they view God only through their immediate culture.  They view God through privilege - we have so much privilege here in the United States, and yet people refuse to admit it.  And so the view of God follows. 

Part two here.

*Yes, I know this video is most likely from Australia.  I'm not an Aussie, so I can't speak to the Christian culture there.  The video is just the most current viral video with this message.

Church Depresses Me

It has been since last October that I have been a regular church attendee.  I have went a handful of times and each time I leave feeling drained and sad.  Sadness overwhelms me and it takes a few days to recover.  I think to myself 'that this is not how church should be, I should be encouraged and uplifted!'  But I am not.  I struggle with guilt and shame for not going, I struggle with depression when I do.

I label myself as a Christian and an ex-minister, and yet there are still times where every part of me has to struggle to get ready on Sunday morning, walk into the church building, sit down, actively engage in corporate worship, listen to the sermon, and socialize with others afterwards. 

I know I'm not alone in this struggle.  I think that church feels like a hostile environment for many people. 

There have been multiple times in my life where church has become a hostile environment for me to be in.

The first time I felt like this I was pregnant with my twins.  I was nineteen years old and had just come back from Bible college shamed.  I had once donned a pretty diamond ring on my finger, but that had been taken away.   Now I was a knocked up girl who had been caught in her sinful ways.  I attended church with my parents, until I started to show too much and then I wasn't allowed to go anymore.  We were keeping a secret and I wasn't allowed to tell anyone.  The only one who 'knew' was the senior pastor.  I remember one of the last Sundays I went; I was finally showing and I knew it would be one of my last Sundays at church.  I had my mother's long coat on to hide my bulging stomach.  I was standing in the middle of the worship service and I felt so lonely.  I wanted to cry, I wanted to have someone hold me, I wanted someone to tell me that it was okay, and that I would be okay.  But it didn't happen, and not too long after that I found myself home by myself while my parents went to church.  It was almost a relief not to go, not to have to dodge the truth. 

There have been other times where I felt like church was a horrible place to go, times where sitting in service put me on the verge of a panic attack.  As a minister I was relived that I was able to teach the children because I could embrace the sweetness of youth, love them, be present without worries about judgement. 

It's is almost amusing to me that almost every time I felt that church was hostile environment it had nothing to do with God, but everything to do with the people in it.  Sometimes people hurt others in a church environment intentionally, I have been on the receiving end of that multiple times.  Other times it was because I didn't let others in.  And sometimes it is just the situation that is overwhelming. 

I love my current church.  The first time we went there it felt like home.  It's not perfect, but it is a wonderful place for us.  So why have I been dodging it?  It seems so ridiculous when I type it out, when I say it out loud, but it is something that hurts to the deepest part of who I am.  In a choice that really wasn't a choice, I was denied my motherhood seventeen years ago in the shape giving up my twins for adoption.  After that my dream was to be a mother again, not to replace the boys that I had given up - that would never happen, but to fill my heart and home with children that I so desperately wanted.  I longed for motherhood.  It was a huge blow when we discovered that we couldn't have children.   In our first five years of marriage I struggled greatly and dodged questions of when we were going to have a family.  Looking back now I realize that I very likely had many early miscarriages.  Then I had two miracle babies, and yes I believe they were miracles.  Then the miscarriages started again. 

I was told that pregnancy was very dangerous for me, possibly life threatening, and yet we still tried and lost more babies.  One of those babies took, but she didn't make it and I held her tiny frame my hand.

Last March I had to choose between my health and the possibility of more children.   I was so sick that there was no question what I should do.  I had the surgery that destroyed every last bit of fragile fertility I had left in my body.  And so in a choice that wasn't really a choice I lost my ability to be a new mother once more, this time for good.

We go to a young church.  The preponderance of the people there are under thirty.  They are beautiful young people doing what young people do: date, get married, and start families.  When I go my church everywhere I look there are pregnant women glowing with radiance of early motherhood.  The church had to move the nursery because there were too many babies being born and they needed more space. 

I go to church and look at healthy glowing women and beautiful little newborns.  I was sick for all my pregnancies - either throwing up so much that I needed IV lines and hospitals or fighting preterm labor.  The last baby that came out of my body that I got to hold was a dead one.  I look at these lovely women and their babies and am truly happy for them.  But I am reminded at the same time of how my body betrayed me, how my motherhood was taken away at the beginning and at the end.  I am angry at my body, at myself, at my choices, at my life.  A woman's motherhood is not something to be taken lightly, is not something that is easily forgotten.  Even though I have two children that are (for the most part) healthy - I am still hurt and angry.  Having two children eases, but does not take away the pain and longing I feel.  It does not take away the betrayal I feel by my own body.  Being in that church only amplifies those feelings. 

I have gone back to church hoping that I could overcome these emotions, ignore them, compartmentalize them - but it never works.

I feel stuck.  And so I stay away.

I'm sure there are many others out there that can relate to me, whether it is because you just got divorced, are infertile, your sexual orientation does not match with traditional beliefs, or you have been betrayed... there are so many reasons to feel like church is a hostile environment and they are too many to list. 

So what do you do when your community, your support system feels hostile?  I'm still pondering that.  I hope that with time and counseling I'll feel like I can go back to my church and it can feel like home once again.