old and new fears

it's strange to me how relinquishing my twins affects my parenting now. I think the most prevalent characteristic of that parenting style is that I am overprotective. I am petrified that something bad is going to happen to my children. This past week was only a reminder that no matter how much I heal - that relinquishment will always be with me.

On Sunday my Princess started running a fever and was generally just not herself. She is not like her brother and reacts to the slightest thing that is wrong with her. So to accommodate her all four of us were all in the bedroom and I was playing with her very subdued little self on the bed. My husband asked me a question about what basket was clean and what basket was dirty. See I have a major problem with laundry ... I hate it. And my dear husband was trying to help out by getting some stuff put away. So I put some pillows around the my tired sick girl and got up to go check the silly baskets. I was less than three feet away from her. I made my verdict in about 10 seconds only to turn around to see my little girl crawling over the pillow toward the edge of the bed. Two seconds seemed like an eternity as I watched her tumble head first over the edge of the bed. I honestly don't remember how I got over there I just remember seeing her on the floor and hearing her instant scream. Thoughts ran though my head as quickly as they could - should I pick her up?is she bleeding?is she hurt?is she going to die? I picked her up and started shaking and uttering profanities. I was overcome with guilt, horror, and shame instantly. How could I have let this happen? How? How could I have been so stupid to leave my eight month old on the bed alone? I am so careful, so overprotective. I don't get how I could have messed up this bad.

I started feeling her tiny frame as I am holding her as close as possible. She is wailing at the top of her lungs, I just know something is horribly wrong. But as I check her out I can find nothing wrong. I realize that my husband is talking to me asking for her, to hold her. All I can say is no and hold her tighter in my shaking arms. Then the words get ugly and somehow he blames me. And into that turmoil of emotion comes anger, an intense anger. How could he know me for 9 years and not know the blame that I was already putting on myself? Does he not know that this moment, this horrible terrible moment will be with me for the rest of my life? That I will always feel guilt in regard to it, that his words - even if they are taken back - will always be with me? That the 'your not good enough to be a mommy' thoughts have already started to come back?

I left the room to be alone with my daughter to gently prod and test as many bones as I could. To look into her eyes, to sit in the best piece of furniture in our apartment, our glider, the place she knows is safe. Finally in our glider together we both start to calm down. I think she fed off my fear. And even though I keep shaking for an hour after I find nothing wrong with her as I examine her over and over. Not one bruise or red mark, not even a scratch. But she is clingy and wants to be held for the rest of the night. And I oblige her.

My husband apologized after a brief discussion and I let him hold her. But the need to have her in my arms is stronger than my own need to breathe. Except to give her to him, get a drink, and pee I couldn't let go of her for hours. The fear was starting to creep in. The fear that even though she appeared to be okay that she was going to die. That damn fear has haunted me since before Bear was born. A year and a half ago I wrote about it. I had been learning to let go. Up until a few months ago I had never let Bear go down a slide by himself. I am and always will be overprotective. But I was making so much progress. I was so proud of myself for letting him be a little boy, letting him run and jump. I am so fearful to the point of not letting him go to a baseball game alone with daddy because I'm afraid he will tumble down the stadium stairs, or get abducted, or insert something awful here. I had almost said ... "okay go." and now... now my heart stops thinking about being away from him.

The night she fell off the bed I didn't get much sleep. I pulled her crib next to my bed and listened to her breathe. I nursed her whenever she made a peep. I slept so lightly I woke up if she turned over.

The next morning she was running a fever. She was sweaty and when I went to take her temperature it registered at 102.6. I knew that I needed to take her in to the doctor. But a new fear was creeping in, one that I have never had before. They are going to take her away from me, and Little Bear too. And it took everything that was in me to make that appointment because I knew that this was it. I was going to loose them over this. I have read about this fear but never really felt it, and I hate it, each second of it.

The pediatrician examined her and deemed that it must just be a virus and that no damage was done from the fall. She reassured me that it happens to almost everyone and instead of being a bad mother - I was a good one for bringing her in and not trying to cover it up. She said that abusive mothers bring their baby in when the baby exhibits something wrong, and then lie about "falling off the bed."

Still the fear stays with me. Now that's on my record. What happens when they see all the many bruises on Little Bear? He hurts himself on the weirdest things, like the TV antenna that I still have no idea how he pulled on his head. It would be worthy of a laugh if I wasn't so worried about it.

In the last few days my princess' temperature spiked at 104.5. I was terrified. I didn't sleep, nor did she really. I feared all kinds of awful things, until yesterday when her fever broke. Still I couldn't sleep last night not knowing what was really wrong with her. Today she woke up with an awful rash and although you would think it would exacerbate the worry, relief washed over me. She has roseola. Bear had it 6 months ago. It is harmless.

I am exhausted. Yes, gone is the extreme anxiety that has been with me since she fell. But I am still so tired. My stress level for the past 5 days have almost drove me to the brink. And really knowing that my little girl isn't going to die... well ... I can't put it into words the relief I feel. Even if I knew deep in my heart those fears weren't founded.

the boys, harry potter, mary jane, & the girls

did you all know that UPS is open on the Saturday that Harry Potter comes out? It’s crazy. They are having a sign up for the drivers if they want to work that day. The management says that it will be a full 8 hour day and all they we will be doing is delivering “The Deathly Hallows” all day long! Holy cow batman! That’s a lot of books. Of course I will also be anxiously awaiting my delivery from UPS or if my husband works that day, for him to get home with my copy.

Little Bear and I quite often frolic in the huge lawn that is outside our apartment. We are very lucky to life in a nice area that is relatively free of crime. Unfortunately, our apartment complex is the one spot in our entire area that is sometimes less than great. For example a couple of months ago around 9pm my hubby and I noticed a police officer with his gun drawn sneaking around the clubhouse. I was a little freaked out about that. I guess the police also think this might be a scary place. Later I found out that someone had just tripped the alarm when going into the workout room. It does make me feel a lot safer though that the police station is only ½ mile away and that they drive through our parking lots quite frequently. Anyhow as we were frolicking the yard I found this:

I thought “We really need to move if this is just randomly growing in our yard.” But after some research on the web I found out that it was just cinquefoil, a little herby-weed. Relief washed over me. Ahhh, I guess I don’t live in ghetto-land.

I’ve been exhausted lately. My princess just isn’t interested in food and at almost 8 months old and that is a really bad thing. She loves nursing and just doesn’t want to eat solids. She is also teething. . . . . Plus after 7 ½ months “she” finally came back. The only good thing about “her” coming back is that I thought I might be pregnant again because I was tired, crabby, etc . . . I was relived I wasn’t. But after more intent research I find “she” is a major reason for nursing woes. I was pumping in order to mix with her food so that she would eat better. Then I actually saw blood coming out with the milk I pumped. The pump went back in the closet – maybe never to come out again. The pain was so intense for a few days that I wanted to cry every time I nursed, but all is getting better. I just plain took a break from trying to feed her. Yesterday I could tell she needed more than just milk so we are going to start the battle again today. Any suggestions about late eaters and how to work with them would be VERY appreciated.

On the adoption front – I GOT A LETTER! Just when I needed one. A few days earlier I cried out to Jesus that I really needed something. I really think He knew and heard my prayer and saw the desperation of my heart. I think he moved her heart to write me. It is the fastest I have ever received a letter back (three ½ months). I am praying that it is the start of really good things for our relationship. I admit that if I am more stable (about contact and my life – or at least appear to be)than maybe their mom will be more willing to write me. I don’t think I have been as stable as they had hoped. Maybe? I know so, and I am ashamed of it. But I am committed to be more consistent with them and maybe just maybe something good will happen . . . at least I can pray in that direction.

An Update

So here I am months after my last post wondering why I abandoned it all.

I know why: I got sick, very very sick. Pregnancy is just not something that agrees with me. Yesterday I made the first real meal for my family in 13 weeks! I haven’t been able to hardly move let alone cook or smell food or get more than a sip of water down. Yuck. I have been on all kinds of drugs to keep food or at the very least liquids down. Yay! Wow yeah sitting down and thinking about my life in the larger perspective doesn’t really seem worth it when I had to struggle with every minute of every day to feel physically human for 13 weeks. Not that I am “all better” now, just well enough to sit down and type.

So here is what has happened in the past couple months:

I got a letter from the adoptive family finally! It was wonderful, absolutely wonderful.

I have decided to let go, I can’t be angry, I can’t dwell, I can’t . . . It hurts too much and I just don’t function well that way. I have to be at peace with stuff. I can’t be like some of you first moms fighting the adoption reform battle. I am not strong enough and not nearly angry enough. I know that I did is what I had to do at the time. I know that adoption is a horrid process and it needs reform, but there is nothing I can do to change my current situation at the moment and I am going to be selfish and say that I need only to concentrate on that, my current situation.

I am having another baby! And wow is that incredible. I have been having some bonding issues, but I think that is pretty normal in my “situation” i.e. – being a birthmother and also being so very sick. I am excited, scared, frustrated, and overwhelmed. I know it is so very cliché but it is hard for me to imagine that I can love this one as much as I love Little Bear.

My dear husband and I moved to our very own place! Yipeeee! We love being here. We love each other, and our relationship is getting so much better. It makes me unbelievably happy.

Finally I’m happy with my life – mostly. It is good to feel as if your life isn’t falling apart even if everything isn’t perfect in it. Sometimes you just have to be content with where you are.

Resting in the Sun

There are moments in my life that I need to stop and rest. When I was in college I would lay in the sunshine in the middle of the floor (that is where ever it would happen to fall) like a complete fool. I did this because number one I hate the cold and I did not go to college in a warm place, and two because I read in a kids book once that “sunlight makes positive ions in your head.” I don’t know if that’s true (although I do know that sun makes vitamin d, and helps seasonal depression). I didn’t have a roommate thank goodness, can you imagine walking in and seeing someone curled up, even sleeping like a DOG in the sun! I even moved with the sunlight. It makes me chuckle just thinking about it. I did however feel a little bit better after napping in the sun.

By the way can anyone remember that book that I am talking about?

So i’m taking a small stretch in the Sun this week and maybe next week too. I just finished “Wicked.” It’s good, but dark. And next week I plan to read “Son of a Witch.” I have to hurry through it though, stupid ten day library books, grumble. . . too cheap to buy my own. . . grumble. . . even if I normally read a book in a couple days. . . grumble. I read for fun and cook too! Those are my two favorite at least. Don’t you hate those surveys where they ask your hobbies? Yes I read, cook, play on the computer, and sometimes sew. I feel like the biggest nerd ever! Maybe that is why I have bright red hair, next week plumb, I gotta feel cool somehow. After all I do work with teens for my part time job.

Sunniest part of my week is that I’ve been watching my son learn to walk, and haven’t been tormented by “I missed this” thoughts. I have been giggling all week because Little Bear is the goofiest, silliest, absolutely most wonderful Little Bear ever. He makes me happy, more happy than I have EVER been. I really love finally being able to be a mom.

I have been working my arss off at the gym, and I am looking hot! Prince Charming (my husband) is having a very hard time with our once a week agreement. Crap! I didn’t think he’d notice that I’ve lost a jean size and that my chicken legs and arms are filling out. Heck my boobs are even perkier! And I’ve breastfeed for over a year now. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful (remember those old ads? Ha!).

I feel like me again. Not so bogged down by hurt and stress and pain. That was the old me - the one that would have black moods that would last for months, then a small upswing and then back down. Prince Charming changed that, or maybe I changed for him. No . . . I changed because I admired the way he handled life and I wanted to be more like him. He changed too, but that is his story and really not mine to tell.

So here I am curled up in the metaphorical sun in the middle of winter, ignoring my poor lonely laptop except to say hi. Don’t worry all, good ol' lappy gets plenty of attention from Charming, he has his own blog.

Thanks for all the comments lately! You are all so wonderful and your support is more than I’ve gotten in years, well that is except for Charming. I appreciate each and every one and maybe I’ll stop being a chicken sh*t and respond to some of them from now on.

Off to enjoy some more Sun!

Always Afraid

Little Bear is running a temperature today. He has been running one for the last few days. He got his shots one week ago today and is teething. So a temperature of 102 is not completely unexpected. But I can’t seem to get over the fear of loosing him. Right now I have the monitor on to make sure that he doesn’t go into convulsions (something that can happen with the mmr shot) and that he is still breathing.

When Little Bear was a newborn I was terrified of SIDS. In fact it is still habit for me to suddenly wake in the middle of the night alarmed and put my hand on his little back and check his breathing. For over a month he got no more than 15 to 30 minutes of sleep at most, unless I was holding him and then I couldn’t sleep for fear of smothering him. I gave in and put him on his tummy. Exhaustion won out because I thought I was going to die after getting so little sleep. He slept beautifully on his own for the first time. It’s amazing I didn’t get an ulcer from that.

Little Bear sleeps next to me in his crib partly because we are living with my parents (another post for another time) but partly because I am terrified for him be anywhere else besides right next to me. I have never left him in the care of a babysitter. I have only just recently started leaving him with my mom for an hour or two in order to go to the gym. I have even limited my husband from going out unless all conditions are absolutely perfect.

I am ashamed to admit that I have thought horrible thoughts about him dying. Not post-partum thoughts, but thoughts about how he could die so I can prevent it in every possible way. It doesn’t help that my friend’s baby died this summer.

I know deep down what it stems from. I seem to be a text-book case on loss. I am a slightly educated woman and have some background in psychology and counseling. So I know that a woman who experiences a pregnancy loss will have a hard time bonding with that child until she is past the point of the loss. Until the wonderful social worker at my agency gave me a free ultrasound, I had difficult time bonding with Noah. She is young woman who was pregnant herself who I wish she could have been my social worker 10 years ago, but she was probably still in high school then.

So the situation that I am dealing with now is also text-book. When you experience a trauma, that trauma will manifest itself if different ways. If you loose a friend in a car accident you might be afraid of riding in a car for a while. If you get raped you can have a severe distrust of men. If you traumatically loose a child you will be afraid of loosing your child again.

So I maybe text-book, but this is still not easy to deal with.