Always Afraid

Little Bear is running a temperature today. He has been running one for the last few days. He got his shots one week ago today and is teething. So a temperature of 102 is not completely unexpected. But I can’t seem to get over the fear of loosing him. Right now I have the monitor on to make sure that he doesn’t go into convulsions (something that can happen with the mmr shot) and that he is still breathing.

When Little Bear was a newborn I was terrified of SIDS. In fact it is still habit for me to suddenly wake in the middle of the night alarmed and put my hand on his little back and check his breathing. For over a month he got no more than 15 to 30 minutes of sleep at most, unless I was holding him and then I couldn’t sleep for fear of smothering him. I gave in and put him on his tummy. Exhaustion won out because I thought I was going to die after getting so little sleep. He slept beautifully on his own for the first time. It’s amazing I didn’t get an ulcer from that.

Little Bear sleeps next to me in his crib partly because we are living with my parents (another post for another time) but partly because I am terrified for him be anywhere else besides right next to me. I have never left him in the care of a babysitter. I have only just recently started leaving him with my mom for an hour or two in order to go to the gym. I have even limited my husband from going out unless all conditions are absolutely perfect.

I am ashamed to admit that I have thought horrible thoughts about him dying. Not post-partum thoughts, but thoughts about how he could die so I can prevent it in every possible way. It doesn’t help that my friend’s baby died this summer.

I know deep down what it stems from. I seem to be a text-book case on loss. I am a slightly educated woman and have some background in psychology and counseling. So I know that a woman who experiences a pregnancy loss will have a hard time bonding with that child until she is past the point of the loss. Until the wonderful social worker at my agency gave me a free ultrasound, I had difficult time bonding with Noah. She is young woman who was pregnant herself who I wish she could have been my social worker 10 years ago, but she was probably still in high school then.

So the situation that I am dealing with now is also text-book. When you experience a trauma, that trauma will manifest itself if different ways. If you loose a friend in a car accident you might be afraid of riding in a car for a while. If you get raped you can have a severe distrust of men. If you traumatically loose a child you will be afraid of loosing your child again.

So I maybe text-book, but this is still not easy to deal with.

Birthday cake! Twice!

He didn't eat any, just played with it :)

So much change in just one year

My baby is about to turn one. That little thing that I had in my tummy one year ago is amazing me. He now: Stands for 15 seconds at a time. Plays with the dogs. Feeds himself. Makes me laugh on purpose. Giggles like crazy. Says mama and means me. Crawls everywhere. Walks along anything including walls. Plays by himself. Loves baths. Crawls up the stairs. Expresses himself in 100 ways. Can melt my heart in two seconds.

Balance

Every day I try to cherish something. I don’t know if it is just that “first time mom” thing but I want to cherish this little boy. I want to remember moments 10 years from now. Some would say that I spoil Noah. I rock him to sleep most nights still. I get up with him in the middle of the night. I make him butternut squash pasta with real parmesan cheese and grated chocolate (of course I make enough for myself too). I spend moments with him when I should be doing work or cleaning. I feel guilty, but at the same time I feel that what I am doing is good. In 20 years will it matter that I sucked at getting the laundry done? It will matter what kind of mom I was. I read an article today in Men’s Health that said that men are happier as adults if have had attentive loving mothers.

Mantra to myself: Find a balance, find a balance, find a balance. . .

how could i resist this?