So here I am months after my last post wondering why I abandoned it all.
I know why: I got sick, very very sick. Pregnancy is just not something that agrees with me. Yesterday I made the first real meal for my family in 13 weeks! I haven’t been able to hardly move let alone cook or smell food or get more than a sip of water down. Yuck. I have been on all kinds of drugs to keep food or at the very least liquids down. Yay! Wow yeah sitting down and thinking about my life in the larger perspective doesn’t really seem worth it when I had to struggle with every minute of every day to feel physically human for 13 weeks. Not that I am “all better” now, just well enough to sit down and type.
So here is what has happened in the past couple months:
I got a letter from the adoptive family finally! It was wonderful, absolutely wonderful.
I have decided to let go, I can’t be angry, I can’t dwell, I can’t . . . It hurts too much and I just don’t function well that way. I have to be at peace with stuff. I can’t be like some of you first moms fighting the adoption reform battle. I am not strong enough and not nearly angry enough. I know that I did is what I had to do at the time. I know that adoption is a horrid process and it needs reform, but there is nothing I can do to change my current situation at the moment and I am going to be selfish and say that I need only to concentrate on that, my current situation.
I am having another baby! And wow is that incredible. I have been having some bonding issues, but I think that is pretty normal in my “situation” i.e. – being a birthmother and also being so very sick. I am excited, scared, frustrated, and overwhelmed. I know it is so very cliché but it is hard for me to imagine that I can love this one as much as I love Little Bear.
My dear husband and I moved to our very own place! Yipeeee! We love being here. We love each other, and our relationship is getting so much better. It makes me unbelievably happy.
Finally I’m happy with my life – mostly. It is good to feel as if your life isn’t falling apart even if everything isn’t perfect in it. Sometimes you just have to be content with where you are.
