Broken in a parking lot

Almost 14 years ago I left my babies in someone else arms and walked away. Today I left my little baby in a clinic adjacent to that hospital and had to drive away. It seemed cruel. It was so much harder letting go off my tiny little baby who had no life inside of it anymore than I would have thought possible. My heart broke as I walked out of that building into that stupid parking lot. The parking lot that is connected to the same one of the hospital where I had to walk away from my twins. Tears flowed. Sobs were stifled. My only thoughts were of my baby, not of my adoption loss. I am so angry. I want my baby back. I can't believe that I had to carry my baby into a clinic and leave it there. It's not fair. It's not right. No mother should have to do that.

My body hurts not only from the trauma of loosing a baby, but from the stress and emotional turmoil that is within it.

I'm just so tired.

February 24th

It is all over. Swirling inside me is a mix of emotions too complicated to explain. Peace is at the forefront, but after that are emotions that I am trying to understand. Anger, pain, resentment, relief, fullness for what I have and for the way things turned out, confusion and so many other emotions. It is going to take a while for me to figure these all out.

There is now a quietness that has come over my spirit. I'm not quite sure what to do with it.

I'll post our baby's story sometime, just not yet.

Morning

Last night I had many contractions. Very painful contractions. Other stuff is going on too. I really believe that my body is preparing to end my pregnancy. And still I feel a peace. I feel like drawing near to God. I feel His arms around me comforting me and I hear Him whispering in my ear that "it is okay, I am here, and I love you."

I don't know why, but I know that this baby is special. I was praying in church the day after I had a positive pregnancy test. I heard God whisper in my ear that "I have a special purpose for this baby." I when up to the front for prayer after the service and you know what? The person who was praying for me said the exact same words to me "God has a special purpose for this baby." I believe it still. I don't understand but I know that He does. Even in death this baby has a story. Even now this child is with my Father. I will not be quiet about this loss. I will tell Baby Beans story. I will not brush past this loss and pass it off as nothing. God has allowed us to loose this child for a reason. I might never know that reason. But my baby's life was special, it has purpose. I believe that with my whole heart, because I believe my Father's words to me.

Faith is a funny thing isn't it?

It never ends

I need this tonight - to know that God is there no matter what. To know that even if I am having a difficult time turning to God He is still there. I know this because of the strange peace I have carried with me the last two weeks. I know that He is in the middle of my pain, of my struggle, of my brokenness, of my anger, and of my grief.

I've been listening to a song that touches me right down to my soul as I sit here in actual physical pain waiting... waiting for what feels like the beginning of the end.

Read the lyrics as you listen to the song here: it's called Times - you have to forward it to the song at the bottom.

The following is from the Tenth Avenue North website:

Times
Mike Donehey

"Times is a song reminding us that the Bible is a story about failures. It's not a story about a bunch of moral heroes. Look at David and you look at Peter and you look at Abraham. These are failures that God has redeemed. So the song 'Times' is just a prayer because we're all struggling. Then God just speaks his answer and says, 'You know what, my love is going to carry you through. I began this good work in you and I will be faithful to carry it out in completion.'"

I know I need You
I need to love You
I'd love to see You but it's been so long

I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
I need to hear You
Is that so wrong?

Now You pull me near You
When we're close I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell you all that I've done

Are You done forgiving?
Can You look past my pretending?
I'm so tired of defending what I've become
What have I become?

But I hear You say
My love is over
It's underneath
It's inside
It's in between

The times that you doubt me
And when you can't feel
The times that you question
Is this for real?

The times that you're broken
The times that you mend
The times you hate me
The times that you bend

My love is over
It's underneath
It's inside
It's in between

The times that you're healing
And when your heart breaks
The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace

The times that you're hurting
The times that you heal
The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal

In times of confusion
In chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame

I'm there through your heart-ache
I'm there in the storm
My love I will keep you by my power alone

I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been
I'll never forsake you
My love never ends
It never ends

Revelations

In the thirteen days since I found out about the loss of our baby I have been truly conflicted. I have gone back and forth on whether or not to have a D&C or to let my body miscarry naturally. I have also had thoughts about how giving up my twins up for adoption relate to loosing this child. I have tried to push all the comparisons out of my head as I have thought they couldn't possibly be related. Standing in the shower today I had a revelation. Maybe others could have seen it clearly but in the midst of my grief I could not - I can't separate my adoption loss with the loss of this child. It is impossible to separate the two. My past loss that has scarred my heart will affect every single loss I feel for the rest of my life. How could I have thought that a loss of a child would not relate to previous loss of children even if it was in a completely different manner? When I allowed myself to connect the two I realized so much. I started crying so hard in that shower that I couldn't breathe. It all made sense finally.

I have asked myself hundreds of times in the past thirteen days why can I not make a decision about how to end this. Why can I not decide to have a D&C and have it all over with? In the light of my previous adoption loss it all becomes clear. Almost fourteen years ago I had to make that horrid decision to let another woman physically take my precious twins from my arms. That decision nearly ended my life. It has caused such pain that continues to this day. How can I make that decision again? How can I expect myself to make a decision that physically removes my baby from my body? I can't do it. I can't let someone take my child from me when I know that even in death this is the only time I will have it with me in my life.

I have been frustrated when anyone asks if and when I am going to have the surgery. It separates me from them and I have this anger and resentment that well up in me. My husband, my family, my friends care about me and want this to be over so I can start healing. In light of my adoption loss I understand why this upsets me so much. It was the same attitude of everyone almost 14 years ago. I had such a difficult pregnancy with my twins; my body suffered horrendously, emotionally I suffered even worse. They all wanted it to be over so that I could start to heal emotionally and physically. I knew even when I was pregnant what they did not - That delivering my precious babies would be the beginning of an emotional journey that would be harder than I could imagine. That healing would not take place for years and that delivering them would emotionally open up such a void in my life that it would never heal. I remember holding my precious tiny twins in the hospital one in each arm, their sweet bodies gently breathing in sleep against my body, knowing that after I handed them to another woman I would never be whole again because they had part of my soul inside each of them. I was right. I have never been whole since. Is loosing this child any different? I may physically heal - but emotionally - it will take forever. I will always carry this child in my heart.

I dreaded the end with my twins. I treasured each kick, each hiccup, each night of pain. I did not care how hard this was on my body I didn't want the end to come. When I went into labor a month early my heart broke. I didn't want to separate from them. In the thirteen days I have had since I knew this child died I have grown closer to it. I have fallen completely in love with it. Is it strange that I am in love with something that is dead inside of me? I know that it's soul is not here but somehow that doesn't matter. It's physical earthly manifestation is still inside of me. I don't want to let go of that. I don't want the end to come.

I don't know why I am okay with my body ending it naturally except for maybe it is the only end that I can not do anything about. It is an end that I have no control over. It is an end that is natural. It is an end that is different than my loss of the twins. I don't want anything to ever look like that loss of them.

Why am I having such a difficult time turning to my God? Fourteen years it was His will that separated me from from my children. This time it was His decision not to let my baby be healthy. I know there is always a reason, but is hard for me to trust Him right now. I keep trying to turn to Him but my heart won't let me. I know though that He is here with me in my sorrow holding me even if I can't turn to Him myself.

I'm relieved to finally realize these things. It doesn't make it easier, but it helps.

Needing to write...

I have no idea if anyone checks my blog any more. I'm not really caring if they do. I just need to write about what is going on in my life and my heart right now. Private journaling is not enough for me at the moment. I need to share these feelings and put them out there in the open even if no one reads them. It's almost as if I am releasing them from my heart and my head when I hit publish and can rest a little easier knowing that I have truly expressed my thoughts as well as I can at the moment.

I am somewhere around ten weeks pregnant, but my baby inside me is gone. I am waiting for the end. I want to write my baby's story out - but it's not done yet.

This grieving process is so difficult. I feel as if I have every right to grieve, but not too hard. I should be okay with this because thousands of women have miscarriages every day. It happens. It is part of being a woman. I feel like I am not unique in my sorrow. Why should this be so difficult if it happens every day to thousands of women? Why should I expect sympathy from others when I never even felt this child move inside of me. The most I got to do was see and hear it's little heart beat and see a little arm that was forming. I will never "see" this child, hold it, or be able to have pictures of it. How can I grieve something that didn't even look human yet? Yet I know it was my baby. I'll have to come back to this... I'm not able to express it well.

There are so many things going on in my head right now. Things that make me feel guilty and hurt. Inappropriate things. Things about God and his purposes. Things about adoption and how loosing a baby in a miscarriage relate and yet don't to it. Guilt over the loss of this child doesn't even compare to the grieving I have with my twins. It is easier for me to know that my child is with Jesus now and a comfort - where I have no comfort like that with my twins. Yet how can I compare living breathing children that I might one day get to meet again in this life with a child that I will never get to meet until I die?

My brain is never still - it goes wildly from one thought to another and I am thankful for the moments of numbness that I experience.

I am trying so hard to rely on God, to turn to Him. For some reason I am finding that I just don't have the strength to fall on my knees. So strange to me that it takes strength to rely on Him through this - strength that I can't seem to muster up.

I feel a little better already. This is cathartic.