My friend Judy passed away last night. I wanted to reflect on what she meant to me today.
I started blogging in 2005 not long after my son was born. I wanted to explore my feelings about adoption. The birth of my son brought up many emotions I didn't expect. My identical twins that I had given up for adoption were nine at the time. The adoptive parents had suddenly closed the adoption when my boys were 18 months and I was still devastated from their decision 7 years later. Noah's birth opened me up to all I was missing in my twin's lives.
I was experiencing motherhood for the first time and the trauma of realizing all I had lost with my twins flooded over me and overwhelmed me. There wasn't a single book out there to help me, no support groups, not one avenue that I explored led me to the help I so desperately needed. I started searching for help online and found a small group of blogs that were written by birth mothers like me exploring their experiences and emotions. It wasn't long until I started reading adoptee and adoptive mama blogs too, we started all talking in the comment sections of our blogs, sorting out feelings together.
I don't remember how I got to Judy's blog, but I did. She was the first blog I read about international adoption. She was one of the first adoptive mamas blog that I read. She had such compassion for Nate's first mother, she expressed such love for her. I was so raw from my twins adoptive parents decision to cut me out of their lives that this was a balm to me. When she wrote to me personally she was so tender, I knew that she was trying to understand my pain. She was simply amazing. Judy was not an adoptive parent that only gave empty platitudes about "how they were forever grateful to the birthmother of their child," and then happily forgot the loss that both her son and her son's first mother had experienced. She internalized these losses and ultimately her goal was to be the best mama she could be to Nate because so she could understood his loss too. She made parenting an adopted child about Nate and how she could best parent him and not her needs or wants. She was an unselfish mother putting away the fact that adoption can be sunshine and roses for adoptive parents if they choose to ignore the loss that brought them joy, but she waded shoulder deep into the pain that is adoption sharing with us her thoughts, emotions, heartaches, and breakthroughs in often a snarky or humorous way. That woman could write.
Honestly Judy taught me that all adoptive parents aren't bad people that just want a baby and then move on with their lives pretending nothing ever happened. She taught me that adoption is complicated from all sides. She helped ease my bitterness.
I remember when Judy was diagnosed with cancer. She went into the doctor because her breast was red and tender and she had leakage from it. Back then I didn't know about Inflammatory Breast Cancer. I thought you had to have a lump in order to have breast cancer.
A little PSA - if you experience redness and/or swelling of your breast, it feels warm to the touch, your nipple becomes inverted or the skin changes go see a doctor right away. IBC is not like regular breast cancer. It spreads quickly and often isn't caught in time. Judy, when faced with this awful cancer was honest, and still shared with us. She really truly amazed me.
I was sad when she made her blog private a few years ago, I'm thinking it after she went through her first round of battling the cancer. She wanted to concentrate on her family. But most us that were blogging back then where doing the same. Emotions got to be too much, we had put too much out there - it was there for anyone to see. It wasn't such a small private group anymore, all of our blogs got thousands upon thousands of hits. It was nerve wracking for me too, so I understood. I started parenting my daughter, my second child and everyday life got too much and I had to cut back reading, stop commenting and and pretty much dropped out of the blogoshphere too around that time and made my other blog that talked solely of adoption private.
I found Judy again recently when a friend posted on Facebook that she was battling the cancer again. I found her on Facebook and reconnected with her again. What a privilege it was to share in this wonderful woman's last year of life. Judy taught me about adoption, about breast cancer, about parenting, about being honest when things are really shitty, about smiling, about being a liberal christian, about planking and so much more. Judy you are amazing. Thank you for all you did for me personally. I'll be praying for Nate and your family this week.
If you want to read Judy's blog it is here, much of the oldest stuff is password protected - but the awesomeness that still remains is all Judy.
Judy, this week I will Just Enjoy Them. I will remember that ultimately everyday there is enjoyment beyond the pain, even when life is shitty I can smile and laugh and remember my Savior's love for me and all He has blessed me with.
Most of the maternity clothes are brand new, from a baby that only lived inside of me for eight weeks. There are tiny brand new clothes clothes were meant for a baby that I can't hold in my arms right now, a baby that is only a memory. There is a dress that is 16 years old. There are two teen boys out there that once hid inside that damn ugly maternity dress that I can't get rid of. I wish I could see those boys this Christmas. I can only dream about it as I have for the past 14 years. 
There is no hope for any more children to come from my womb, and so I want everything out of my house. It's just stuff. It will never replace what I've lost. I want to stop the pain. I want to be free of the hurt that I know will never go away. I hope that getting rid of these things will help, even though I know it won't. 