Dear Sweet Elya Eden,

When Daddy and I first found out about you we were completely surprised. We were not expecting you. I had guessed 2 weeks before that you were a possibility, but I was surprised and maybe a little sad that I was pregnant again. See I was not sad about you, but sad that Mommy gets very very sick when she is pregnant with a baby. Daddy was instantly overjoyed and couldn’t have been happier about you, even though he tried to hide it, but he could not contain his glee.

We started planning almost right away for you. We looked at minivans, Mommy bought lots of maternity clothes so that she could show you off in her belly, and she even bought you some new clothes. I also started gathering all the baby toys around the house so that I could clean them. I started dreaming of your nursery, looking for new slings, thinking about your birth and how I wanted to bring you into this world.

I took pictures every couple days of my growing belly. I had to start wearing maternity clothes very quickly. I also started to get very sick. I planned out meals for your family that Daddy could make so that everyone could be taken care of. I found people to take care of your brother and sister so that I could concentrate on growing you in my tummy.

Your brother and sister overheard about you early and so we let them in on the secret of you. They were very excited about you. Your brother was so excited that he told his whole preschool class that Mommy was having two babies! We had to tell him after the ultrasound that there was only one baby and we didn’t know yet if you were a boy or a girl. Still, your siblings eagerly followed your growth and development in Mommy’s picture book.

The whole family was there for that first ultrasound. It was so fun seeing you. We got to see your heartbeat. You had a heartbeat of 130 bpm, it always is amazing to me that something so small has a tiny beating heart. I could make out your little growing arms. Daddy said later that he was so glad that he was there to see you when you were still here with us. I am so glad that I got to see you too Elya, alive and moving around and so tiny, but so full of life.

Little One I continued to get sicker and sicker with you. I thought I was doing really well, but I wasn’t able to eat much. I had to stop cooking, because I got too sick and too weak. I got so tired and almost everything wore me out. I started loosing massive amounts of weight. I wasn’t able to do anything. Taking your brother to preschool was almost impossible. I was sad and grumbled about you because I was not able to take care of your brother and sister. I am sorry now I complained, I didn’t know how little time I had with you. If it makes you feel better that I complained just as much with your brother and sister – but I always seemed to turn a corner when I stopped being so sick. I was waiting to feel better to start being super happy with you. Still, I was so excited to feel you move.

I do not know why but I craved all things lemon with you. I knew I was getting very sick when I could not even eat or drink lemon things with you anymore. I could tolerate no smells except mint. The peppermint shampoo that I bought while I was still pregnant with for you is finally gone. I used it all yesterday. I never thought I would be so sad about the end of a bottle of shampoo.

Elya I was on medication to keep food and water down to get to you. It wasn’t working right. I had to go in to the emergency room on Tuesday, February 2nd. I was so dehydrated Little One that I passed out in the middle of the waiting room. It was a little scary, but I wasn’t afraid for you. I should have been. I know that you left us around that time. In the ER I received fluids. I felt much better, but I do not know if I felt better because of the fluids or because you were already gone. The next day I had stomach pains that made it hard to breathe. I also had a few horrible pains on that previous Saturday. I do not really know when it happened Elya, when you left me for the arms of Jesus, but I know it was around that time.

On the Thursday I started to make cookies for your brother and sister. I ran out of time to finish them, so I put the dough in the refrigerator to bake them later. I should have guessed something was wrong when I was able to do anything at all in the kitchen. I had an appointment to talk to my doctor about a picc line. It is a port in your arm that runs IVs that would have kept me hydrated and medicated so that I could have stayed healthy. Then the doctor asked if I wanted to hear your precious heartbeat. She couldn't find it. The doctor wanted for me to have an ultrasound before the picc line was put in… just in case. I wasn’t too worried yet, the doctor did not seem worried yet. I had to drive through a snowstorm to a hospital because it was the only place that could do an ultrasound before the weekend - but they could do it right away. I was so glad - and I was so glad to get to see you again.

Dear Sweet Baby, I knew something was wrong when the ultrasound technician looked so sad. He would not let me see the screen. He did not give me any pictures. I was able to peek at the screen a little and I saw him try to measure your heartbeat at least three times. I sat in the waiting room of the hospital for over an hour for the radiologist to confirm what I feared. All I could do while I waited was thank God for your brother and sister. I knew. After an hour of waiting I received the phone call from my doctor, it was such a sadness that washed over me when I heard that you were gone. It still makes me cry to think about those moments. The ultrasound technician came back and was so nice. He told me some details. He told you stopped growing sometime that week. He told me that you had no heartbeat at all.

I tried to hold it together. I broke down in the parking lot and started crying. Noah asked what was wrong. I had to tell him that you were gone. It was so hard to tell them that you were gone. It was harder to tell your daddy. He was so sad. I took your brother and sister to their favorite restaurant that night. Daddy had to work late and I didn’t want to go home. I baked a small batch of those cookies that I had made earlier that day. After that day I could not stand to look at the rest of that cookie dough, your daddy had to throw it away.

I think the worst part of those weeks following was waiting for you to be born, knowing your body was still inside of me, but you were gone.

I was told that I should probably get a D&C. I didn’t want to do it. The day before I was suppose to get the surgery your sister got the flu and so I was not able to have one. I’m glad I did not. I decided after that day to let my body miscarry you on it’s own. It was the right choice.

Little One those two weeks I waited for you to be born were so difficult. I felt physically better, but my heart was breaking. I looked pregnant, but you were gone. I talked to you so much. I felt close to you. I treasured the vessel that housed your life inside my body. I wanted to respect your little body, even if you were gone.

Elya I wanted you to come out and I didn’t. I knew that the time you had inside of me was the only time I would be able to connect with you on this earth. I know that you were already gone when you were born but I want to tell you your birth story. It is such a sad story, but I can not express to you the joy that it brought to your mommy to birth you and hold you and to be able to say goodbye. Here is the story of your birth I wrote out a few days after you were born:

Wednesday, February 17th I started spotting pink and it continued to get darker until Friday. Friday I started to have contractions. And let me tell you they were contractions. They were very painful contractions that came regularly. I started bleeding and passing large clots that night. They continued through Friday night - although I praise God they eased up in order to let me get some rest that night. Saturday morning they resumed again and the bleeding became a lot heavier and I kept passing clots. Daddy took your brother sledding (at my request) he came back with some food and coffee for us. My contractions were pretty regular and very heavy at this point and I felt like I had to push. At around four pm I delivered you sweet Elya. You came out completely in your amniotic sac with the fluid and placenta. You floated around in the so peacefully. I was able to see and hold you in my hand. I saw you had eyes, arms the beginnings of fingers and little tiny legs. I held you in my hand for almost an hour. At that moment and still now I feel so so so blessed beyond measure that God allowed me to hold you. I can not tell you the amount of comfort that it has brought to me.

Unfortunately things did not go well from there. I started to bleed excessively and got exceptionally lightheaded. I had to sit on the toilet because I was passing clots the size of my hand and couldn't walk around without soaking through a pad in a few minutes. So we had to go in to the ER. I was hooked up an IV and given fluids. The doctor did a pelvic exam and yes - I was very dilated and had gone through a small labor. He removed some tissue and said that it was probably the tissue that was causing the excess bleeding. I kept bleeding pretty heavily after that and they called the OB on call down to see if I needed a D&C. He felt that I didn't and so I was released to go home. I feel blessed that I live in a time where I was able to receive medical attention, or I might be up in Heaven with you Sweet Baby. I know that you will wait for me up there – God has other purposes for me down here. You have a purpose down here and I think that by me telling your story I can accomplish your purpose.

God is amazing. He worked some things out so beautifully even to the point of letting me miscarry on a Saturday so that Daddy could be here with me. We were able to get your brother and sister to a friend’s house quickly so that I could go into the hospital. I was granted wonderful doctors and nurses in the ER who gave me such kind attention. Although I have had many more than sad moments, God was faithful through that part of the journey.

I wanted to name you. We picked Elya Eden. Elya is pronounced ill-ee-ah and means "the Lord is my God." Eden means “paradise” remembering always that you are in heaven with your Father. We don’t know if you were a boy or girl so we tried to pick names that were gender neutral. Daddy and I think you were a girl though.

Elya we had such a difficult time deciding how to put you to rest. Your little body was so tiny. Daddy and I didn’t want to bury you ourselves, there is no place that is so special to us that we would want to leave you. I just could not imagine putting you in the cold ground anywhere. We wanted to cremate you but were told that there would not be enough ashes left. We decided to take you to the hospital so they could cremate you with other babies and your ashes will be spread in a special memorial garden. We will have your name put on the new memorial when it is done Sweet Pea. That was the best way I could think of to honor you.

I don’t know why you died. I think it is because I had a subchorionic hemorrhage that lead to a placental abruption. There was a day that, looking back, I felt like something was ripping inside of me. In a way it helps me to know that you might have been perfect, in another way it hurts me so much.

Your brother and sister still ask about you. They ask all the time “Mommy the baby died?” I answer “Yes honey, the baby died.” Your brother asks if you are with Jesus. I hope you are. I wonder all the time what happened to you, where you are, if you still are, what will you look like if I get to see you, who is taking care of you. I ask God about that, but He doesn’t give me any answers.

I think about you everyday sweet pea. We kept your pictures up for a long time. Mommy misses you so much. She cries for you. Not a day goes by I have not thought of you sweet baby. You will forever be in my heart.

I will never forget you.

I love you Elya Eden,

Mommy

Ups and downs

there are days I feel better. Today is not one of them. I keep touching my ever-flattening stomach today. I looked pregnant two weeks ago. Now, not so much. I feel empty. I feel alone. I want to be sick and throwing up with IV's keeping me from dehydration. I want to feel my baby moving inside of me. I am struggling with depression today. I am tired. I can't stop feeling tired no matter how much I sleep. I just want to feel normal again.

Broken in a parking lot

Almost 14 years ago I left my babies in someone else arms and walked away. Today I left my little baby in a clinic adjacent to that hospital and had to drive away. It seemed cruel. It was so much harder letting go off my tiny little baby who had no life inside of it anymore than I would have thought possible. My heart broke as I walked out of that building into that stupid parking lot. The parking lot that is connected to the same one of the hospital where I had to walk away from my twins. Tears flowed. Sobs were stifled. My only thoughts were of my baby, not of my adoption loss. I am so angry. I want my baby back. I can't believe that I had to carry my baby into a clinic and leave it there. It's not fair. It's not right. No mother should have to do that.

My body hurts not only from the trauma of loosing a baby, but from the stress and emotional turmoil that is within it.

I'm just so tired.

February 24th

It is all over. Swirling inside me is a mix of emotions too complicated to explain. Peace is at the forefront, but after that are emotions that I am trying to understand. Anger, pain, resentment, relief, fullness for what I have and for the way things turned out, confusion and so many other emotions. It is going to take a while for me to figure these all out.

There is now a quietness that has come over my spirit. I'm not quite sure what to do with it.

I'll post our baby's story sometime, just not yet.

Morning

Last night I had many contractions. Very painful contractions. Other stuff is going on too. I really believe that my body is preparing to end my pregnancy. And still I feel a peace. I feel like drawing near to God. I feel His arms around me comforting me and I hear Him whispering in my ear that "it is okay, I am here, and I love you."

I don't know why, but I know that this baby is special. I was praying in church the day after I had a positive pregnancy test. I heard God whisper in my ear that "I have a special purpose for this baby." I when up to the front for prayer after the service and you know what? The person who was praying for me said the exact same words to me "God has a special purpose for this baby." I believe it still. I don't understand but I know that He does. Even in death this baby has a story. Even now this child is with my Father. I will not be quiet about this loss. I will tell Baby Beans story. I will not brush past this loss and pass it off as nothing. God has allowed us to loose this child for a reason. I might never know that reason. But my baby's life was special, it has purpose. I believe that with my whole heart, because I believe my Father's words to me.

Faith is a funny thing isn't it?

It never ends

I need this tonight - to know that God is there no matter what. To know that even if I am having a difficult time turning to God He is still there. I know this because of the strange peace I have carried with me the last two weeks. I know that He is in the middle of my pain, of my struggle, of my brokenness, of my anger, and of my grief.

I've been listening to a song that touches me right down to my soul as I sit here in actual physical pain waiting... waiting for what feels like the beginning of the end.

Read the lyrics as you listen to the song here: it's called Times - you have to forward it to the song at the bottom.

The following is from the Tenth Avenue North website:

Times
Mike Donehey

"Times is a song reminding us that the Bible is a story about failures. It's not a story about a bunch of moral heroes. Look at David and you look at Peter and you look at Abraham. These are failures that God has redeemed. So the song 'Times' is just a prayer because we're all struggling. Then God just speaks his answer and says, 'You know what, my love is going to carry you through. I began this good work in you and I will be faithful to carry it out in completion.'"

I know I need You
I need to love You
I'd love to see You but it's been so long

I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
I need to hear You
Is that so wrong?

Now You pull me near You
When we're close I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell you all that I've done

Are You done forgiving?
Can You look past my pretending?
I'm so tired of defending what I've become
What have I become?

But I hear You say
My love is over
It's underneath
It's inside
It's in between

The times that you doubt me
And when you can't feel
The times that you question
Is this for real?

The times that you're broken
The times that you mend
The times you hate me
The times that you bend

My love is over
It's underneath
It's inside
It's in between

The times that you're healing
And when your heart breaks
The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace

The times that you're hurting
The times that you heal
The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal

In times of confusion
In chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame

I'm there through your heart-ache
I'm there in the storm
My love I will keep you by my power alone

I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been
I'll never forsake you
My love never ends
It never ends

Revelations

In the thirteen days since I found out about the loss of our baby I have been truly conflicted. I have gone back and forth on whether or not to have a D&C or to let my body miscarry naturally. I have also had thoughts about how giving up my twins up for adoption relate to loosing this child. I have tried to push all the comparisons out of my head as I have thought they couldn't possibly be related. Standing in the shower today I had a revelation. Maybe others could have seen it clearly but in the midst of my grief I could not - I can't separate my adoption loss with the loss of this child. It is impossible to separate the two. My past loss that has scarred my heart will affect every single loss I feel for the rest of my life. How could I have thought that a loss of a child would not relate to previous loss of children even if it was in a completely different manner? When I allowed myself to connect the two I realized so much. I started crying so hard in that shower that I couldn't breathe. It all made sense finally.

I have asked myself hundreds of times in the past thirteen days why can I not make a decision about how to end this. Why can I not decide to have a D&C and have it all over with? In the light of my previous adoption loss it all becomes clear. Almost fourteen years ago I had to make that horrid decision to let another woman physically take my precious twins from my arms. That decision nearly ended my life. It has caused such pain that continues to this day. How can I make that decision again? How can I expect myself to make a decision that physically removes my baby from my body? I can't do it. I can't let someone take my child from me when I know that even in death this is the only time I will have it with me in my life.

I have been frustrated when anyone asks if and when I am going to have the surgery. It separates me from them and I have this anger and resentment that well up in me. My husband, my family, my friends care about me and want this to be over so I can start healing. In light of my adoption loss I understand why this upsets me so much. It was the same attitude of everyone almost 14 years ago. I had such a difficult pregnancy with my twins; my body suffered horrendously, emotionally I suffered even worse. They all wanted it to be over so that I could start to heal emotionally and physically. I knew even when I was pregnant what they did not - That delivering my precious babies would be the beginning of an emotional journey that would be harder than I could imagine. That healing would not take place for years and that delivering them would emotionally open up such a void in my life that it would never heal. I remember holding my precious tiny twins in the hospital one in each arm, their sweet bodies gently breathing in sleep against my body, knowing that after I handed them to another woman I would never be whole again because they had part of my soul inside each of them. I was right. I have never been whole since. Is loosing this child any different? I may physically heal - but emotionally - it will take forever. I will always carry this child in my heart.

I dreaded the end with my twins. I treasured each kick, each hiccup, each night of pain. I did not care how hard this was on my body I didn't want the end to come. When I went into labor a month early my heart broke. I didn't want to separate from them. In the thirteen days I have had since I knew this child died I have grown closer to it. I have fallen completely in love with it. Is it strange that I am in love with something that is dead inside of me? I know that it's soul is not here but somehow that doesn't matter. It's physical earthly manifestation is still inside of me. I don't want to let go of that. I don't want the end to come.

I don't know why I am okay with my body ending it naturally except for maybe it is the only end that I can not do anything about. It is an end that I have no control over. It is an end that is natural. It is an end that is different than my loss of the twins. I don't want anything to ever look like that loss of them.

Why am I having such a difficult time turning to my God? Fourteen years it was His will that separated me from from my children. This time it was His decision not to let my baby be healthy. I know there is always a reason, but is hard for me to trust Him right now. I keep trying to turn to Him but my heart won't let me. I know though that He is here with me in my sorrow holding me even if I can't turn to Him myself.

I'm relieved to finally realize these things. It doesn't make it easier, but it helps.

Needing to write...

I have no idea if anyone checks my blog any more. I'm not really caring if they do. I just need to write about what is going on in my life and my heart right now. Private journaling is not enough for me at the moment. I need to share these feelings and put them out there in the open even if no one reads them. It's almost as if I am releasing them from my heart and my head when I hit publish and can rest a little easier knowing that I have truly expressed my thoughts as well as I can at the moment.

I am somewhere around ten weeks pregnant, but my baby inside me is gone. I am waiting for the end. I want to write my baby's story out - but it's not done yet.

This grieving process is so difficult. I feel as if I have every right to grieve, but not too hard. I should be okay with this because thousands of women have miscarriages every day. It happens. It is part of being a woman. I feel like I am not unique in my sorrow. Why should this be so difficult if it happens every day to thousands of women? Why should I expect sympathy from others when I never even felt this child move inside of me. The most I got to do was see and hear it's little heart beat and see a little arm that was forming. I will never "see" this child, hold it, or be able to have pictures of it. How can I grieve something that didn't even look human yet? Yet I know it was my baby. I'll have to come back to this... I'm not able to express it well.

There are so many things going on in my head right now. Things that make me feel guilty and hurt. Inappropriate things. Things about God and his purposes. Things about adoption and how loosing a baby in a miscarriage relate and yet don't to it. Guilt over the loss of this child doesn't even compare to the grieving I have with my twins. It is easier for me to know that my child is with Jesus now and a comfort - where I have no comfort like that with my twins. Yet how can I compare living breathing children that I might one day get to meet again in this life with a child that I will never get to meet until I die?

My brain is never still - it goes wildly from one thought to another and I am thankful for the moments of numbness that I experience.

I am trying so hard to rely on God, to turn to Him. For some reason I am finding that I just don't have the strength to fall on my knees. So strange to me that it takes strength to rely on Him through this - strength that I can't seem to muster up.

I feel a little better already. This is cathartic.