i often wonder what Jesus thinks of my situation. I wonder if this horrible situation is part of God’s plan to teach me, and possibly my boys something. Maybe I would not be a good influence on my childrens’ lives and that is why things are happening like they are. Would I not be stable enough for them? If I were in their lives, would I somehow do some damage to their psyche? Have I been disobedient in the past and that is why I have been disciplined with this horrible situation I am in? Or maybe this is purely the consequences of my sinful actions of having sex outside of marriage and this is part of the equation that God saw when I sinned.
Or is it something else? Are my boys’ adoptive parents disobeying God? And if they are what are the consequences of their actions going to be? Who is going to hurt most from their failure to obey Him?
Maybe things are as they should be, maybe they aren’t, but it all comes down to the fact that I don’t know.
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I think the worst part about my relationship with the adoptive parents is not knowing what my role is in their family and what they want or expect me do to fulfill that role. I have only some small guide lines. My only guidelines were set up 12 years ago – Our only form of communication is to be through letters, and when I write I send the letter through the agency. I don’t know what I am allowed to send or what I am allowed to say or if I am allowed to write to the boys or should I write to the boys and more importantly how often I am allowed to write? All are questions I frequently ask myself. Can I tell the boys I miss them, love them, think about them? If I write once a year is that enough or would you like letters more often than that? Do they still want to abide by the no gift rule that we set up 12 years ago, or is a book okay?
I just don’t know.
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I really hate not knowing so much. I feel like half my life I am wandering around in the dark groping for anything to hang on to. Maybe that is why I hang on so tight to my children. Because they are real and tangible and I have control in some form in my relationship with them. Not the bad kind of control – just the idea that I don’t have to pretend to be something I am not with them and I can define my role as mommy the way I want to.
I’m stalling writing that dang letter even now writing this, because I feel so uncertain of what I should write to 12 year old boys I don’t really know and their parents. I don’t think anyone can blame me either.
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Most roles in life are defined. Mother, daughter, minister, wife, employee, etc. these are all roles that you can do something with. I find that at least in my life some of the greatest stresses came when one of my roles was unsure. When I wasn’t sure if I wanted to date my husband or not and didn’t know how I felt about him. When I almost gave up becoming a pastor in college. When I wanted the role of mother so badly but could not achieve it and living with the stress of my husband also wanting the role of father. My family had a very difficult time with me transitioning into an adult we fought constantly because they still saw me as a child. Giving up my license as a minister to become a full time mother was exceptionally difficult for me.
For me, knowing and being able to function inside my roles helps me define who I am. Yes, sometimes I like to go outside that role and be someone I am not for a while. For example a couple Sundays ago I got to spend the whole day with my sister. I did not play the role of mommy for hours. I tried on diva-like clothes at a mall and ate Indian food at a restaurant I had not been to before. I was selfish and adventurous in a small way – something that my mommy role would not have let me do. It was fun to go outside my mommy role for a few hours.
But not knowing what my role should be as my twins’ birth mother is very stressful for me. Not knowing what is best for them, what I should be doing, what I am allowed to do, what God would really want in all this . . . well it’s impossible to tell you the stress that having this undefined role causes me.
I hate not knowing. I hate saying ‘I don’t know’ all the time. It is so frustrating that I have been at this for years, and might be at it for many more.
