my son loves this movie. The story of Moses. Some adoptive parents laud this as the first adoption story. Which I laugh at and then it makes me sad because this adoption did not turn out well for his adoptive family.
This children’s movie makes me cry. It makes me feel closer to God, I feel in awe of Him. That He can take someones life and make it great through hardship and hurt. That the hardship and hurt are part of His plan to make someone strong, to make a great leader. I hope that that is what He is doing with me, but I fear it is not. Often I fear that my hardship is because of the poor decisions I have made. I know that even then He can take those and make you into a great person, if you are faithful to Him. But I’ll admit it, I am not faithful, not in the way I know He would like me to be. I used to be, but since I have become a mother and no longer work full time as a minister it has become more than difficult to find time for the prayer and reading that I would like to do. I used to get PAID to be a faithful servant of Him. My job was to pray for those in the church, the teens that considered me as their pastor, now I have no one counting on me like that. I have deflected all spiritual responsibilities to my husband since he is the head of this family. I am ashamed of that. Ashamed that I don’t pray for all four of my children every day. Ashamed that something that I used to be so devout about is now something that I push out of my mind on a consistent basis. It is not something that I don’t want to do. I make plans, lots of plans, about how I am going to be more faithful. I repent, I pray, I cry out to Him. But still I can’t make it stick.
I know deep down that part of the problem is anger that I can’t let go of. In my situation I know that it was God’s will that I abandoned my children in someone else’s arms. How could he make me go through that? I want to know NOW what the purpose of it was. Was it for them? Was it for me? I think if it was for the adoptive parents I might just never forgive Him, but I know Him, that is not how her works.
What great plan was He weaving together? Will I be like Jeremiah in the end? Where God used his life and he never saw any fruits of his suffering? Or maybe I will be like Hosea. God made him suffer so that Hosea could be and example to Israel. My only thought that sometimes makes the hurt worth it is that because I gave up my twins that they will have incredible lives that they might not have had with their biological and I. Maybe they were saved from some horror that I don’t yet know. Or maybe that is the residual kool-aid that still sloshes around in my brain.
I know is that Moses’ adoption didn’t turn out so well if you are an adoptive parent. He abandoned his family for his biological family. He fought bitterly with his brother. He brought the news that killed his nephew. Yet from a biological stand point it turned out well, he became a leader for his people. He “reunited” with his brother and sister. In fact he might have never had to reunite because his mother was his nurse, and his brother and sister were probably playmates. Not the typical adoption it modern day.
This movie, it makes me think. And well with the mommy mush that has sunken into my brain I’m not sure if thinking is a good thing.
