When Daddy and I first found out about you we were completely surprised. We were not expecting you. I had guessed 2 weeks before that you were a possibility, but I was surprised and maybe a little sad that I was pregnant again. See I was not sad about you, but sad that Mommy gets very very sick when she is pregnant with a baby. Daddy was instantly overjoyed and couldn’t have been happier about you, even though he tried to hide it, but he could not contain his glee.
We started planning almost right away for you. We looked at minivans, Mommy bought lots of maternity clothes so that she could show you off in her belly, and she even bought you some new clothes. I also started gathering all the baby toys around the house so that I could clean them. I started dreaming of your nursery, looking for new slings, thinking about your birth and how I wanted to bring you into this world.
I took pictures every couple days of my growing belly. I had to start wearing maternity clothes very quickly. I also started to get very sick. I planned out meals for your family that Daddy could make so that everyone could be taken care of. I found people to take care of your brother and sister so that I could concentrate on growing you in my tummy.
Your brother and sister overheard about you early and so we let them in on the secret of you. They were very excited about you. Your brother was so excited that he told his whole preschool class that Mommy was having two babies! We had to tell him after the ultrasound that there was only one baby and we didn’t know yet if you were a boy or a girl. Still, your siblings eagerly followed your growth and development in Mommy’s picture book.
The whole family was there for that first ultrasound. It was so fun seeing you. We got to see your heartbeat. You had a heartbeat of 130 bpm, it always is amazing to me that something so small has a tiny beating heart. I could make out your little growing arms. Daddy said later that he was so glad that he was there to see you when you were still here with us. I am so glad that I got to see you too Elya, alive and moving around and so tiny, but so full of life.
Little One I continued to get sicker and sicker with you. I thought I was doing really well, but I wasn’t able to eat much. I had to stop cooking, because I got too sick and too weak. I got so tired and almost everything wore me out. I started loosing massive amounts of weight. I wasn’t able to do anything. Taking your brother to preschool was almost impossible. I was sad and grumbled about you because I was not able to take care of your brother and sister. I am sorry now I complained, I didn’t know how little time I had with you. If it makes you feel better that I complained just as much with your brother and sister – but I always seemed to turn a corner when I stopped being so sick. I was waiting to feel better to start being super happy with you. Still, I was so excited to feel you move.
I do not know why but I craved all things lemon with you. I knew I was getting very sick when I could not even eat or drink lemon things with you anymore. I could tolerate no smells except mint. The peppermint shampoo that I bought while I was still pregnant with for you is finally gone. I used it all yesterday. I never thought I would be so sad about the end of a bottle of shampoo.
Elya I was on medication to keep food and water down to get to you. It wasn’t working right. I had to go in to the emergency room on Tuesday, February 2nd. I was so dehydrated Little One that I passed out in the middle of the waiting room. It was a little scary, but I wasn’t afraid for you. I should have been. I know that you left us around that time. In the ER I received fluids. I felt much better, but I do not know if I felt better because of the fluids or because you were already gone. The next day I had stomach pains that made it hard to breathe. I also had a few horrible pains on that previous Saturday. I do not really know when it happened Elya, when you left me for the arms of Jesus, but I know it was around that time.
On the Thursday I started to make cookies for your brother and sister. I ran out of time to finish them, so I put the dough in the refrigerator to bake them later. I should have guessed something was wrong when I was able to do anything at all in the kitchen. I had an appointment to talk to my doctor about a picc line. It is a port in your arm that runs IVs that would have kept me hydrated and medicated so that I could have stayed healthy. Then the doctor asked if I wanted to hear your precious heartbeat. She couldn't find it. The doctor wanted for me to have an ultrasound before the picc line was put in… just in case. I wasn’t too worried yet, the doctor did not seem worried yet. I had to drive through a snowstorm to a hospital because it was the only place that could do an ultrasound before the weekend - but they could do it right away. I was so glad - and I was so glad to get to see you again.
Dear Sweet Baby, I knew something was wrong when the ultrasound technician looked so sad. He would not let me see the screen. He did not give me any pictures. I was able to peek at the screen a little and I saw him try to measure your heartbeat at least three times. I sat in the waiting room of the hospital for over an hour for the radiologist to confirm what I feared. All I could do while I waited was thank God for your brother and sister. I knew. After an hour of waiting I received the phone call from my doctor, it was such a sadness that washed over me when I heard that you were gone. It still makes me cry to think about those moments. The ultrasound technician came back and was so nice. He told me some details. He told you stopped growing sometime that week. He told me that you had no heartbeat at all.
I tried to hold it together. I broke down in the parking lot and started crying. Noah asked what was wrong. I had to tell him that you were gone. It was so hard to tell them that you were gone. It was harder to tell your daddy. He was so sad. I took your brother and sister to their favorite restaurant that night. Daddy had to work late and I didn’t want to go home. I baked a small batch of those cookies that I had made earlier that day. After that day I could not stand to look at the rest of that cookie dough, your daddy had to throw it away.
I think the worst part of those weeks following was waiting for you to be born, knowing your body was still inside of me, but you were gone.
I was told that I should probably get a D&C. I didn’t want to do it. The day before I was suppose to get the surgery your sister got the flu and so I was not able to have one. I’m glad I did not. I decided after that day to let my body miscarry you on it’s own. It was the right choice.
Little One those two weeks I waited for you to be born were so difficult. I felt physically better, but my heart was breaking. I looked pregnant, but you were gone. I talked to you so much. I felt close to you. I treasured the vessel that housed your life inside my body. I wanted to respect your little body, even if you were gone.
Elya I wanted you to come out and I didn’t. I knew that the time you had inside of me was the only time I would be able to connect with you on this earth. I know that you were already gone when you were born but I want to tell you your birth story. It is such a sad story, but I can not express to you the joy that it brought to your mommy to birth you and hold you and to be able to say goodbye. Here is the story of your birth I wrote out a few days after you were born:
Wednesday, February 17th I started spotting pink and it continued to get darker until Friday. Friday I started to have contractions. And let me tell you they were contractions. They were very painful contractions that came regularly. I started bleeding and passing large clots that night. They continued through Friday night - although I praise God they eased up in order to let me get some rest that night. Saturday morning they resumed again and the bleeding became a lot heavier and I kept passing clots. Daddy took your brother sledding (at my request) he came back with some food and coffee for us. My contractions were pretty regular and very heavy at this point and I felt like I had to push. At around four pm I delivered you sweet Elya. You came out completely in your amniotic sac with the fluid and placenta. You floated around in the so peacefully. I was able to see and hold you in my hand. I saw you had eyes, arms the beginnings of fingers and little tiny legs. I held you in my hand for almost an hour. At that moment and still now I feel so so so blessed beyond measure that God allowed me to hold you. I can not tell you the amount of comfort that it has brought to me.
Unfortunately things did not go well from there. I started to bleed excessively and got exceptionally lightheaded. I had to sit on the toilet because I was passing clots the size of my hand and couldn't walk around without soaking through a pad in a few minutes. So we had to go in to the ER. I was hooked up an IV and given fluids. The doctor did a pelvic exam and yes - I was very dilated and had gone through a small labor. He removed some tissue and said that it was probably the tissue that was causing the excess bleeding. I kept bleeding pretty heavily after that and they called the OB on call down to see if I needed a D&C. He felt that I didn't and so I was released to go home. I feel blessed that I live in a time where I was able to receive medical attention, or I might be up in Heaven with you Sweet Baby. I know that you will wait for me up there – God has other purposes for me down here. You have a purpose down here and I think that by me telling your story I can accomplish your purpose.
God is amazing. He worked some things out so beautifully even to the point of letting me miscarry on a Saturday so that Daddy could be here with me. We were able to get your brother and sister to a friend’s house quickly so that I could go into the hospital. I was granted wonderful doctors and nurses in the ER who gave me such kind attention. Although I have had many more than sad moments, God was faithful through that part of the journey.
I wanted to name you. We picked Elya Eden. Elya is pronounced ill-ee-ah and means "the Lord is my God." Eden means “paradise” remembering always that you are in heaven with your Father. We don’t know if you were a boy or girl so we tried to pick names that were gender neutral. Daddy and I think you were a girl though.
Elya we had such a difficult time deciding how to put you to rest. Your little body was so tiny. Daddy and I didn’t want to bury you ourselves, there is no place that is so special to us that we would want to leave you. I just could not imagine putting you in the cold ground anywhere. We wanted to cremate you but were told that there would not be enough ashes left. We decided to take you to the hospital so they could cremate you with other babies and your ashes will be spread in a special memorial garden. We will have your name put on the new memorial when it is done Sweet Pea. That was the best way I could think of to honor you.
I don’t know why you died. I think it is because I had a subchorionic hemorrhage that lead to a placental abruption. There was a day that, looking back, I felt like something was ripping inside of me. In a way it helps me to know that you might have been perfect, in another way it hurts me so much.
Your brother and sister still ask about you. They ask all the time “Mommy the baby died?” I answer “Yes honey, the baby died.” Your brother asks if you are with Jesus. I hope you are. I wonder all the time what happened to you, where you are, if you still are, what will you look like if I get to see you, who is taking care of you. I ask God about that, but He doesn’t give me any answers.
I think about you everyday sweet pea. We kept your pictures up for a long time. Mommy misses you so much. She cries for you. Not a day goes by I have not thought of you sweet baby. You will forever be in my heart.
I will never forget you.
I love you Elya Eden,
Mommy
