Sometimes I feel like a bad mom

I was talking to John last night about how I feel like I am a horrible mom. I wonder if everyone feels like that at some point. Noah still isn’t talking yet and it really upsets me sometimes. I wonder if it is because I am doing something wrong. Do I not read to him enough? Maybe I need to unplug the TV so that we can’t watch any at all, we don’t watch that much, but maybe that has impeded his development. I am a quiet person when I am at home, I just don’t say much even to him. I just can’t constantly chatter to him. Maybe I just need to try harder.

I have been so sick with this little girl and now with all the preterm labor the last 6 months it has been impossible to be the mom that I want to be to him. I know that if I wasn’t pregnant that I would defiantly be a better mom. So should I feel guilty for bringing another life into this world? This is it, God willing, no more kids. Four kids out in the world with my DNA is more than enough thank you. I don’t think I physically could handle another pregnancy anyway. But getting back to being a bad mommy. . .

When I was a nanny I was a great nanny. I was one of the best nannies I knew. I interacted with the children all day long. I never left their sides. That was my job wasn’t it? So maybe my guilt comes from the fact that real parenting is very different than being a nanny. I am the one who is the disciplinarian all day long. I have to clean, there is no maid that comes once a week to clean the toilet. I make breakfast lunch and dinner for both of us and dinner for my husband who works very hard and is gone long hours at his job. And finally I am not being paid an ungodly amount in order to take care of my precious little bean. Being a stay at home mom is so much different than being a nanny – in ways that I can’t even describe. I just thought that when I was a mom I would be the best mom ever because I was such a great nanny.

And now I am not only a mommy to Noah, but I am also a mommy to this little girl inside of me. I have to take care of her too, which means I have to take care of myself. Having to be on bedrest with both of my previous pregnancies I know that at any time I could go into serious preterm labor. In fact the last couple days I have been plagued with contractions that hurt and that warn me to take it very easy.

I can honestly say that Noah knows he is loved. I am very affectionate with him. He is fed, clothed, clean, and watched insanely well. In fact I might be called overprotective. Okay I am overprotective. I never let him out of my sight. Even in our apartment. Heck when He naps in his room I peek under the door to make sure that he isn’t himself somehow. I guess if I were to pinpoint what I feel guilty about it is that I don’t play with him enough. Does that make me a bad mom? I hope after Anya is born that I can start being the mom I want to be again. Maybe I’m not a bad mom, maybe I’m just not the mom I want to be.

I think I need to pray that God will help me be the mom He wants me to be, the mom that I want be, and accept that I can’t be perfect.

Gosh this mommy thing is a lot harder than I ever thought it would be.