broken

Jeremiah 18:4 - But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him.

I am in the process of being broken. The Lord has seen my heart and knows that I need Him in a different way than I have been receiving Him. So I am being broken. Being broken sucks. I am tired and on the verge of tears at any second. One bad thing seems to pile on top of another until I succumb and am a mess of tears and snot. Yesterday was one of those days. Sunday was one of those days. And I know that I am not done. I know that I could learn this lesson more quickly if I just submitted to the Lord right now and lay prostrate before him in complete submission. But I am afraid of what I am going to hear. I am afraid of being completely broken to the point of helplessness. I hate the feeling that I am no longer in control of my life. Because when I do I know that God will push me out of where I am comfortable, out into the place that is scary. He has already started and I am not happy about it. Because of a moment of obedience I am now involved in something that scares the living daylights out of me. What else does He have planned? What else is required for this process to be completed?

2 Corinthians 4:7-9 - But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

When He called me into the ministry I willingly accepted that my life would never be my own - my own to choose what I wanted to do with it. That He would use me however He saw fit for His glory. But even though I submitted to His will over 14 years ago and accepted that my life was completely His, it doesn't make it any easier today. And because I have been through a breaking process many times before, and know what is at the end of it, I am scared and resistant to it. How broken am I going to be this time? How much am I going to have to give up? I know that I am going to have to rely on His strength to do things beyond me because He is going to ask me to.

"I can't do anything without you, you give me strength to do anything. I can't be everything I try to, you save me from the everything I couldn't be." - Plumb

I've been feeling like a failure lately. In my mothering, in my relationships, in my ministry, in pretty much everything I touch. And I am failed by those closest to me. When I turn to those around me I find that the comfort I normally find in them is gone and sometimes completely backfires and leaves me feeling much worse. Emotionally I am drained.

He is calling. He is more telling me I need to turn to him. My world will continue to crumble until I submit.

Psalm 34:18 - The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

I know that He is doing this because He loves me. I know that He wants to use me. I know He is there all around me even if I can't feel Him or even hear Him. Faith is scary. Faith is Him is not easy. Life is harder when you submit to His will. I'm so tired of fighting, but not yet ready to stop.