not enough ______, too much _________

i haven’t written a good adoption post for a couple months now. There has been a reason for that. I’m avoiding. That and I have too much to say that really can’t be said. That is why I’ve titled this the way I have. I am going to try to attempt to get some of these thoughts out of my head so that maybe I can have a little peace if only for a few hours.

Not enough sleep. I am so tired. The dreams that I have been having are horrible. I dream constantly about Calvin and Hobbies (my new name for my twins). In the last dream I had the birth father got to go visit them. In my dreams about the twins I always get to visit them, or at least see them in varying degrees. And that wakes me up with too much longing, but the horrid part is that those longings don’t go away a couple minutes after I wake up. Those stay with me all day. All week. Sometimes all month. But the problem is that even in my most hopeful moments I know the adoptive parents would never let me have a visit. So that longing will be unfulfilled. I will never see their eleven year old faces in person, only in a photo. Only in my dreams.

Not enough willpower to stay away from the adoption community on the internet. Why do I subject myself to this? Why? When things are said like:

"im an adoptee and im tired of hearing these birthmothers saying how the agencies stole there children i dont belive that one bit i think there just not taking the responsabitires of there actions they chose to give up ther child nobody forced them i think they just dont want the responsabilty of rasing a child so they dump the child on some fool that thinks they should raise a child thats how my adoptive parents made me see it the birrthmom would rather go out and party than change diapers i think a mother that thinks like this shouldnt be aloud to have anymore children after she gives up a child have there rights taken away for once instaed of the adoptees rights."

Now I know I have to take these things with a grain of salt, but there are adoptees out there that feel that way and adoptive parents saying horrid stuff about birth mothers. And it breaks my heart even more. I try to stick to the boards but that isn’t much better. Happy gottcha day, I’m a mommy now (before termination of the birth mom’s rights) posts abound. Let’s not forget the combative adoptive moms that pretend to care (or at least in their own head think that they are being caring, when really they are being condescending). We are talked down to like we are small children, when really I have more education, have lived this longer, and am older then a good portion of them. Honestly they might not see their own insecurities, but they come out loud and clear to anyone remotely trained in the helping profession. I just shake my head as too much frustration builds, and I need to walk away. But I feel like the proverbial dog returning to its vomit when it comes to the boards.

Not enough trust in the public school system. My almost three year old went to school yesterday so he can learn to speak. I almost had too many panic attacks to count. That is a whole post in and of itself that I really don’t want to get into today.

Not enough patience with my children, but too much fear to leave them with someone so that I could get a break. So we are watching way too much t.v. I feel like the worst mom in the world.

Not enough energy to clean my house, but too many good ingredients to waste and so I add to the mess by baking and cooking and leave the mess for my husband. Poor guy. But it has been my only release. At least the poor neglected children and husband are eating well.

Not enough time with my husband. He is working crazy hours as a UPS driver right now. Some days he is gone for 14 hours a day. There has been more than one night he got home close to 10pm. And I am so frustrated because the church he is a part time pastor is at doesn’t understand. It is Christmas time after all! So they are asking for more time from him too. So I am spending too much time alone. I miss my support system.

Not enough guts to write a letter to the Calvin and Hobbes, but getting impatient to send off the letter to the adoptive parents that has been ready for months. I have too much fear about letter writing in general and this time, well I think this might be the death of me.

Not enough money. Too much demand for it. $1,400 is due so that my hubby and I can keep our licenses as ministers. Ya know couldn’t they do it in July? Christmas is such and awful time for these things to be due.

All these things together culminated into what I can only assume is the beginning of an ulcer. Last night I was in so much pain I could barley breathe. I’m not sure what to do about it. I didn’t have my coffee this morning, but that makes me more crabby. I am sore and frustrated about the whole thing. It’s been years since I let things get to me like this. On top of that we are weaning the Bear off his pacifier. Why now Bear’s Mommy? Good question, internet. Good question. Simply my house is such a mess that I couldn’t find one at nap time, and well it was my only option. So Elmo came and took all the Bear’s paci’s for all the poor kids for Christmas when he was at school. It just popped out of my mouth. I think I’ve lost it. Really I have.

So there is my humongous whiny post. I could go on, but I think if you’ve made it this far you get the point. If you made it though than obviously you care so please pray for my sanity, pray for my poor tummy, and pray that I find a constructive way to deal with my stress. Oh and pray that I will have the kahonas to write that darn Christmas letter.