cry baby cry

when I was a teenager I used to look smugly at people who cried in church. I wondered why can't they just be happy in the presence of God? Why do they not feel the joy that is in him? Why can't they release all their hurts to Him and just worship Him? It was condescending and smug thoughts like that that I am so ashamed of now. In fact I am very ashamed of the person I used to be.

We are going to a new church. For the first time in years I am loving corporate worship. The very first Sunday I was there I sobbed during worship. The next Sunday I cried again. Yesterday - the same. I realized that it is okay, to cry, because in worshiping I become vulnerable. My very heart is laid before the maker of the universe. My hurt, worn, tired heart. In those moments, in His presence, He accepts me and loves me. He cares. It is such a powerful moment.

When I was 13 I went on a missions trip with my youth group. We stopped at a Teen Challenge. During a worship service one of the residence walked into a hallway sobbing. Quite a few of the youth group girls gathered around her to pray for complete healing. One very wise man came over and stopped us. He quietly took us aside and told us that this woman (who was probably still a teenager) had experienced so much hurt and pain in her life that no simple prayers were going to make it all go away. He probably understood like I do now that there are some events in our lives that cause permanent wounds. Wounds that never fully go away. God can help us be at peace with our constant hurt, but because of the nature of the wound He can not make it go away.

I don't know why that experience didn't stick with me through my growing up years. Maybe I was fooled into believing that people at church were always good and God always protected them from harm and therefore did not experience the same kind of hurt and pain that the woman at Teen Challenge did. Another lie that has been exposed for what it is in my life.

I have an open wound that will never go away. I have bandaged it up so the world can not see it. People believe what they want to about me. Yet in the presence of God those bandages are ripped off and the hurt and awfulness of it all is exposed. I can not pretend it is not there in front of Him. I can not pretend that simply being in the presence of God does not reveal even the darkest parts of my heart. I feel almost a sense of relief. He knows, He cares, I am free. The hurt tears are mingled with tears if joy.

Those tears are precious to me. So I will cry. God will hear. I will rejoice that He does.