I have no idea if anyone checks my blog any more. I'm not really caring if they do. I just need to write about what is going on in my life and my heart right now. Private journaling is not enough for me at the moment. I need to share these feelings and put them out there in the open even if no one reads them. It's almost as if I am releasing them from my heart and my head when I hit publish and can rest a little easier knowing that I have truly expressed my thoughts as well as I can at the moment.
I am somewhere around ten weeks pregnant, but my baby inside me is gone. I am waiting for the end. I want to write my baby's story out - but it's not done yet.
This grieving process is so difficult. I feel as if I have every right to grieve, but not too hard. I should be okay with this because thousands of women have miscarriages every day. It happens. It is part of being a woman. I feel like I am not unique in my sorrow. Why should this be so difficult if it happens every day to thousands of women? Why should I expect sympathy from others when I never even felt this child move inside of me. The most I got to do was see and hear it's little heart beat and see a little arm that was forming. I will never "see" this child, hold it, or be able to have pictures of it. How can I grieve something that didn't even look human yet? Yet I know it was my baby. I'll have to come back to this... I'm not able to express it well.
There are so many things going on in my head right now. Things that make me feel guilty and hurt. Inappropriate things. Things about God and his purposes. Things about adoption and how loosing a baby in a miscarriage relate and yet don't to it. Guilt over the loss of this child doesn't even compare to the grieving I have with my twins. It is easier for me to know that my child is with Jesus now and a comfort - where I have no comfort like that with my twins. Yet how can I compare living breathing children that I might one day get to meet again in this life with a child that I will never get to meet until I die?
My brain is never still - it goes wildly from one thought to another and I am thankful for the moments of numbness that I experience.
I am trying so hard to rely on God, to turn to Him. For some reason I am finding that I just don't have the strength to fall on my knees. So strange to me that it takes strength to rely on Him through this - strength that I can't seem to muster up.
I feel a little better already. This is cathartic.
1 comment:
Bear's Mommy,
I just clicked onto your blog from Jenni's blogger profile. So to answer your question ~ today someone new is checking your blog!
I am SO sorry for the loss of your baby. I can't imagine what that loss is like, but I can't imagine there is such a thing as grieving too hard. Your baby may not have looked like a baby yet, but your baby was already a baby of your soul, of your heart. Allow yourself to grieve this loss, it is so unlike the loss from adoption where we first moms are not allowed to grieve.
I am praying that God gives you the strength to rely on Him in this time of sorrow.
God bless,
Susie
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