In the thirteen days since I found out about the loss of our baby I have been truly conflicted. I have gone back and forth on whether or not to have a D&C or to let my body miscarry naturally. I have also had thoughts about how giving up my twins up for adoption relate to loosing this child. I have tried to push all the comparisons out of my head as I have thought they couldn't possibly be related. Standing in the shower today I had a revelation. Maybe others could have seen it clearly but in the midst of my grief I could not - I can't separate my adoption loss with the loss of this child. It is impossible to separate the two. My past loss that has scarred my heart will affect every single loss I feel for the rest of my life. How could I have thought that a loss of a child would not relate to previous loss of children even if it was in a completely different manner? When I allowed myself to connect the two I realized so much. I started crying so hard in that shower that I couldn't breathe. It all made sense finally.
I have asked myself hundreds of times in the past thirteen days why can I not make a decision about how to end this. Why can I not decide to have a D&C and have it all over with? In the light of my previous adoption loss it all becomes clear. Almost fourteen years ago I had to make that horrid decision to let another woman physically take my precious twins from my arms. That decision nearly ended my life. It has caused such pain that continues to this day. How can I make that decision again? How can I expect myself to make a decision that physically removes my baby from my body? I can't do it. I can't let someone take my child from me when I know that even in death this is the only time I will have it with me in my life.
I have been frustrated when anyone asks if and when I am going to have the surgery. It separates me from them and I have this anger and resentment that well up in me. My husband, my family, my friends care about me and want this to be over so I can start healing. In light of my adoption loss I understand why this upsets me so much. It was the same attitude of everyone almost 14 years ago. I had such a difficult pregnancy with my twins; my body suffered horrendously, emotionally I suffered even worse. They all wanted it to be over so that I could start to heal emotionally and physically. I knew even when I was pregnant what they did not - That delivering my precious babies would be the beginning of an emotional journey that would be harder than I could imagine. That healing would not take place for years and that delivering them would emotionally open up such a void in my life that it would never heal. I remember holding my precious tiny twins in the hospital one in each arm, their sweet bodies gently breathing in sleep against my body, knowing that after I handed them to another woman I would never be whole again because they had part of my soul inside each of them. I was right. I have never been whole since. Is loosing this child any different? I may physically heal - but emotionally - it will take forever. I will always carry this child in my heart.
I dreaded the end with my twins. I treasured each kick, each hiccup, each night of pain. I did not care how hard this was on my body I didn't want the end to come. When I went into labor a month early my heart broke. I didn't want to separate from them. In the thirteen days I have had since I knew this child died I have grown closer to it. I have fallen completely in love with it. Is it strange that I am in love with something that is dead inside of me? I know that it's soul is not here but somehow that doesn't matter. It's physical earthly manifestation is still inside of me. I don't want to let go of that. I don't want the end to come.
I don't know why I am okay with my body ending it naturally except for maybe it is the only end that I can not do anything about. It is an end that I have no control over. It is an end that is natural. It is an end that is different than my loss of the twins. I don't want anything to ever look like that loss of them.
Why am I having such a difficult time turning to my God? Fourteen years it was His will that separated me from from my children. This time it was His decision not to let my baby be healthy. I know there is always a reason, but is hard for me to trust Him right now. I keep trying to turn to Him but my heart won't let me. I know though that He is here with me in my sorrow holding me even if I can't turn to Him myself.
I'm relieved to finally realize these things. It doesn't make it easier, but it helps.
1 comment:
Hey, friend. I'm here reading and taking it all in. You make sense. Perfect sense. I imagine the realization and the opening of the floodgates was a good release. Yes, there is still the issue of "control", or lack thereof and the loyalty we have to our children. Even though your precious son/daughter is now in heaven, you are still feeling that loyalty of not doing anything to purposefully let go. I get it. It is yet another chapter of your life where your giant wound is reopened and you have to bind it again. That is difficult for others to lay hold of.
Love and hugs to you. You are my sister in Christ. When you are hurting so badly that you can't pray, I am here to hold you up and pray for you. Don't fear. The Spirit is groaning and offering up your prayers to the Great Physician, as well. It is ok to be in this dark place. "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." We have no idea how long our weeping may be, and that is ok. But we have the hope of joy in time. It is not wrong to grieve. And we have a Savior who sympathizes with us in it.
Post a Comment